THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE BASTARDLY

So I put in an offer on the building where the Eggplant Cafe will be...one day. It got rejected. The seller seems to believe they will get full asking price by waiting out the season, the real estate season that is. So I will re-offer at the end of August. Fingers crossed and she definetely ain't getting full asking price from me! So in good news I have someone who will be sharing the space with me, she shall remain nameless but I'm sure you've visited her shop and have some fabulous finds in your home hand picked by the owner herself. She will be taking over the front room of the building and selling unique and hand created pieces for the home. Probably mostly my home, that's where all my profits will be going.... Henry and Doozer have been behaving themsleves of late, we have all taken up shuffle jogging and they pull me along in my quest to be svelt for my big 30th birthday this year, barf. I have started to compile the recipes I will be using for the resto and have started planning the menu which will be ever changing depending on the local veggies and seasonal food available. Keep you posted on that too! And if you happen to find yourself with an extra $500 bucks and would like to invest in me, I will be hosting a party for women who would like to give me that money in exchange for a "credit card" of the same value to be used in the shop within a year. Sound good? It sure will taste good!!

May showers bring vegetarian restaurants

I realize most of my blogs can be in the negative. Bad shit seems to happen to me more than most, and it is usually funny. I almost die everyday, be it falling down in a miniscule slope in my backyard and twisting my ankle facedown in a two inch puddle of hose water that I didn't put away....getting sunburned to death at an auction...whatever. So I watched a fabulous movie last night called Julie and Julia. Having read bothe books and owning Julia Childs memoirs I starrted to wish I could write like that and get sent food by mail and commiserate my kitchen failings...they are few and far between I might add...and take on a worthy project like that. I know some people don't think that cooking all the recipes in a cookbook constitutes achieving anything but her recipes sometimes have more than 30 ingredients in them!!!and take 2 days to prepare. When was the last time you spent that kind of time and effort on your guests? For me, it's like every other week but I am the exception to the rule. I devour cookbooks. I love to read old ones where the margins are written in with tips and do's and don'ts, new fresh smelling just waiting to be smeared with something you've just made from that new recipe. I love to cook, and that's why I'm announcing it here that I am going to open a restaurant. A vegetarian restaurant in he middle of farm country, surrounded by old fashioned meat and potato people. I'm crazy and hungry and can't wait and as soon as I figure out how to put a countdown button on this thing I willpost that too and you can be a part of my journey. Whoever you are.....

It's Been Awhile....

I realize my lack of posting probably indicates that I have no life, or I have such a life that I don't post every time I take a shit...which would be more than you, dear readers, would care to hear about I'm sure. I have been busy. Yes, my job does require some work, a lot of travel and listening to whiny brats tell me why their credit is shot. So where did we leave off? I believe I was about to go on vacay away from this stressful thing I call life. Went away we did, the girls and I to a mountain escape about 1o minutes away from home. Not quite the cozy cottage we thought it would be, as it came with the feeling someone got booted out for the weekend and forgot to vacuum up after their cat. The crisp mountain air made for a particularly dry throat in my mind and I drank a whole bottle of rum (a 40 i believe they are nicknamed) and a bottle of diet pepsi. This led to some antics that are fondly remembered on Nah's camera and will never be posted on this site as I don't want to lose any respect you may have had for me. My war cry was "I have a stressful job" and that was the cue to drink the troubles away. I vaguely remember a pinata, a pregnancy test and being awoken to strategically placed chocolate covered strawberries and someone trying to takeaway my blown up condom I was cuddling.
That was vacation. So now the filler. Dogs have eaten and destroyed house many times over, most notably eating 2 litres of molasses on my beautiful white and blue carpet. You'd think I 'd have a funny diarrhea story to follow but they both seem to have digested it fairly well. We completed a renovation in our front porch, which is now the dog room when we go away. I got the couch of my dreams and now it smells like wet beagles. We found out a neighbour who owns a patch of land in front of us is looking to develop and sell and I am doing everything in my power to stop it. Buying it would probably be easiest. My car is dying a fast death. The trunk no longer closes, the thing eats a quart of oil every 200 km, the tires are bald and studded and illegal this time of year, the bearing that hold that stinking wheel on is about to come off if I go over 100km, and it just plain smells bad now and is so filled with junk I am actually embarrassed to drive it.
In conclusion, car sucks, work is busy, Donald has a new job and is home all the time, dogs are assholes, and it's vacation next week!!!!!

Gimme A Break

We finally had a break in our crappy winter weather this week. Tuesday was like a dream, plus 10 and sunny and I didn't even put my winter coat on. The snow is near all gone now and I can see grass again, green grass. I can also see the remains of many a dogs breakfast and dinner for that matter. Our lawn is a virtual carpet of dog shit and the rubber boot dance is more important than ever. I may audition for a indian dance troupe. But more importantly let's discuss where this poop comes from. Two dogs, beagles to be exact, one whose movements are considerably larger than the other and much more frequent...he gets that from his mom. I have made the decision to never have children and instead have too many animals and I am starting to ask myself who has it worse. I spend about one hour a day dealing with crap. Cat and Dog. I pick up about 4 to 5 hairballs a day. I wipe down floors of barfed up milk, christmas ornaments, regurgitated plastic and stomach bile every step I take. I feel like an unpaid nurse. I'm tired. I'm really not getting any satisfaction of knowing that when my animals turn 18 they will move out and clean up their own messes or look after me in my old age. Mind you I don't have to deal with unplanned pregnancies anymore...we nipped that in the butt...bud...how does that saying go...or teens yelling they hate me and running away with their biker boyfriends or bringing illegals into my house. I guess the argument is 50/50. I just need a break. I haven't been alone in my home for 5 minutes for ages. I am accompanied to the bathroom, kitchen, living room, bedroom, hallway, stairwell and stared after when I go outside. I can't wait to booze it up this weekend and forgot about my fur family, does that make me a horrible mother? It has to be better than smothering their furry little faces while they sleep.

the land of oz...

I have had a long and wonderful holiday. Some of you may think that's because Donald and I spent our first Christmas at home in 13 years, or that we have a new dog and got to spend lots of time with him, or the fact that I had almost 14 days off in row and got paid for it!! But no. I spent my holidays curled up in bed looking at Christopher Meloni's schlong. Yup, I have seen more penises these past few weeks than I'm sure to ever see in my entire life. I have this silly grin on my face and I remember each vivid shower scene and well any other attempts he made on the men of OZ. I highly recommend this show. I watched all 6 seasons much to Donald's displeasure and he now feels that he doesn't quite measure up. Well, it's Christopher Meloni for christs sake, it's a movie star penis. I wrote him a note (Chris) and told him how much I liked his peters work and i prayed it wasn't a stunt double and that I have a paying gig here in Tupperville if he ever needs some extra cash.

Donald doesn't know about this email
Please don't tell on me

I got the boot

With the rash thinking that is my life I decided to follow Donald to the city in search of the elusive soy nog. This is all Julie's fault. A little prestory...After a long day spent in the city with my mother and a longer drive home with her en route to my great aunts funeral visitation, we finally stop for international sushi night at Mark and Julie's house. Sensing my need for a drink I am coddled with a soynog and rum which sounds gross and healthy and vegan but is really yummy. I know my eggnog. I know this is some good shit, and its available from the superstore. Fast forward 3 weeks and no eggnog has been sited at any stupidstore. But alas Julie come through yet again on Wii and regular sushi night and hands off this imitation, nutty, dry mouthed, diarrhea inducing nog. Thanks girl. I know it wasn' your fault, but you probably had a giggle of the thought of me dying a little on the can.

Back to the present day. I load up the dogs...yes we got another beagle...this one prefers to eat cat shit and dead mice, and go visit my mommy. I drag her along to Halifax where the quest begins at planet organic, home of the hippie with loads of money. nope they are all out but should be getting some tomorrow. Please someone tell me how that helps now? I hate that answer. From the cashier I do get her homemade version which I will try but I want the boxed nog for simplicities sake. We travel onward where mother accosts the poor asian fellow at the chinese grocery in her attempt to make stir fried pork form a package which she can't read the directions. She says to him "you can read chinese can't you"...Pop back into the car for a whirl down quinpool road in search of heartwood bakery for some lunch. There is nowhere to park. I attempt to pull in front of sign that says no parking but mother is screaming we will get towed. I opt instead for the lot that says if you park here and don't shop at our high end rug shop will will take your car away. We get out and look at the front of the shop...too rich for my blood ( plus the motherinlaw is already getting me a rug from sears)and continue on to our lunch. At heartwood we both have the rice bowls with vermicelli instead, and eat our tofu and kale with gusto. It was okay, i could make it better and it certainly wouldn't be $30 bucks...no dessert no drinks just water folks!! We mosey on back to the car and mom is lamenting her lack of smokes when we notice a big sign on my drivers side window. a quick look down and here is something attached to my wheel. It's yellow and looks dangerous. They have arrested my car and I can bail her out for $78.00 bucks plus tax. Merry @#$%&* Christmas. Mother says "I told you so", I am returning her gift.

A weird thing happened at Midnight Madness...

So Midnight Madness. In a town of 1000. Crazy. There were about 30 people on the streets and it was raining like a son of a gun. The posse and I went to our friends fabulous pet supply shop to have a chat and purchase some xmas duds for the animals. Her resident store dog needed a pee and I volunteered to take her out. Ooops, forgot about the rain. She splashed in puddles and ate a muddy stick with that joie de vivre only a puppy can have in terrible weather conditions. We hustle back to the store after our cacapeepeepoopoo and muck face decides to jump all over the customers. I rear her in to have the lady she is so desperately trying to mount says its okay and leans down for a kiss. An open mouthed kiss. I see her tongue dart into the dogs mouth as she exclaims..
"Oooh your tongue is so soft in my mouth"
EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
Why do these things happen to me.








ps - cut that kiss short and dragged her back to the safety of her momma, i think the dog is okay


pps - i'm not